What if what I'm afraid will happen does?

"Find out what you're afraid of and go live there."

~ Chuck Palahniuk, American novelist

Fear is a shadow that often lingers on the periphery of our minds, whispering worst-case scenarios and catastrophes. I tell myself that the things I worry about probably won’t happen, but I still prepare for them, just in case. But what if what I fear actually does come to pass? Because - let's get real - sometimes it does.

What comes to mind as I write this was an evening in 2019 when my father called me to let me know that his doctors had found a mass on his lung. His voice was quiet, but he didn't sound fearful. He told me not to get all worried or emotional; that everything would be fine. So, why was my heart pounding when I hung up the phone? Why were my hands cold? In that moment, I was afraid that this might be "the beginning of the end. " And it was.

The months that followed were a tumultuous blend of hope and despair. We held on to optimism, but the looming shadow of reality was impossible to ignore. He survived the surgery which removed the tumor, despite a few complications. He started chemotherapy and I cut my travels short to spend some time with him and my mom. Each day felt like I was stepping deeper into a labyrinth of uncertainty. I wanted to believe that he would win his battle with cancer, but when my mother passed away and my dad was hospitalized due to low blood oxygen levels, I started to see more clearly that my fears were justified. Some part of me knew that my father was dying and that all I could do was witness it and do my best to be there for him in whatever way I could through whatever time had left.

I'll be honest. Losing both of my parents within months of each other was devastating. My worst fears were realized, and yet, here I am. My life has continued through the grief and I've experienced so much joy and wonder in the last few years. I'm grateful for the time that I was able to spend with them that summer when I returned home. I've learned to love them more deeply and unconditionally since they transitioned. And I'm thankful that they taught me to be resilient, to face fear, uncertainty, and loss - all of which are inevitable.

Life in the shadow of fear is suffocating. Every day, we face a myriad of uncertainties, and it’s natural to worry about the outcomes that might hurt us the most. But ruminating on these fears can paralyze us, making each day an unbearable burden, even when nothing bad has happened yet. While it’s wise to consider what might go wrong and make contingency plans, dwelling in fear doesn’t change the outcome. Instead, it robs us of the peace and presence we can find in the moment. Preparing for the worst doesn’t mean we have to live in constant dread. Instead, we can choose to face our fears with courage and grace.

Honestly, it seems to me that we're living in a time when fear seems to dominate our collective consciousness. For example, no matter your political views, Election Day is nearing and it’s hard to escape the anxiety about what might happen next. Media amplifies our fears, painting pictures of potential doom. But what if we take a step back and realize that humanity has survived countless fears and adversities over the centuries? Bad things happen, but so do good things. The balance of life includes both, and it is up to us to decide how to respond to our fears and the challenges that arise when those fears are partially or fully realized.

Imagine if, instead of being consumed by fear, we focused on how we would respond if our fears materialized. What steps would we take? Who would we turn to for support? How could we adapt and find strength in adversity? By thinking through these scenarios without dwelling on them, we empower ourselves to live more fully and respond more effectively when challenges arise.

Fear is a part of life, but it doesn’t have to dominate our lives. By acknowledging our fears and making realistic plans, we can create a safety net that allows us to focus on living in the present. My fears about losing my father brought me home and gave me invaluable time with my parents. This experience taught me that even when our worst fears come true, we can find moments of beauty and connection.

So, let’s give ourselves permission to acknowledge our fears without letting them rule us. Let’s prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. And let’s remember that no matter what happens, we have the strength to face it, survive it, and even find meaning in it.